Bhaiya Me Not

Re Released: Rakhsa Bandhan 2009 (originally published in Hindustan Times Jul 5th 1995)

Context: This article was written by me when I was doing graduation in St Stephens. Read the article keeping in mind that I am quiet young when I wrote it. The emoluments (Rs 700) from this went on to serve my one year’s tea and bhelpuri expense

The normal English language may have one hundred and one flaws, but it is one up on most Indian Languages, i.e in its lack of use of the words “brother” and “sister” during normal conversation.

In this land of Rakhi and Bhaiya Duj children grow up with firm realization and conviction that any one older to them (even by a matter of seconds) has to be branded under the label of Bhaiya and didi.

It is the former label that I have an aversion to. This aversion though not recent reached its peak about a week ago. If you say you haven’t had a crush during your college days you are either a fluent liar with a misplaced sense of secrecy or a person with a lack of certain hormones.

The damage these two words, bhaiya and didi do to your lovelorn self is worth narrating. One day I spotted God’s wonderful creation at my college gate. Time came to a stand still, the world moved in slow motion with the constant ringing of bells and fluttering of my heart. Such a situation instead of getting the best in you invariably numbs your thinking process. So when she looked at me, I was sure she had also had heard the bells and felt the flutter. I walked straight up to her as smartly as I could under the circumstances (I must have resembled a lumbering and bungling bear with a minimum of seven litres of the best wine inside him).

But I was run down by a bullet train. Hit by a six ton battering ram and brought down to earth by a small push when she said “Bhaiya, time kya hua hai ?”

All the bhenjis who without any bias believe firmly in the concept of brotherly love and affection to all men kindly do not misunderstand that the apoplexy, anguish and tribulation I underwent was not due to the trivial question hurled at me, but the implications that went along with it. It meant, I was not going to be ever considered by her.

The blatant use of this terminology is curtailed only in the first year of college. Thanks to initial courtesy you have to call you seniors, sir or maam, for a month or so. In this duration the non brotherly relationship is well established. Which I am sure has cut short a dozen rachis enroute.

Unlike the word bhaiya, bhenji is not the said thing. A student calling a lady on the wrong side of 30 as bhenji may not raise much of an eyebrow. But repercussions in calling a young attractive lady in campus the same is not hard to imagine.

But challenges and bets are so much in vogue that you can actually consider it as part of the college curriculum. I challenged my friend to call the lady across the street bhenji. My friend a true college dada went across the road and asked “Bhenji time kya hua hai ?”

In this sweltering heat one would welcome a cold wave anytime. But the ice cold glare which he got back in return for the question from the woman was another matter.

That he had a grin and she had a glare, that she didn’t have a watch and he had one, did not add much warmth to the tete-a-tete, so coldly they parted.

The message I wanted to get across is

Bother me yes
Brother me not
Curse me yes
Bhaiya me not